HOW TO SURVIVE A NASTY BREAKUP
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If you’re going through a divorce, a separation or any other kind of difficult breakup right now, then this is a message you need to hear to know how to survive a nasty breakup.
Let’s first look at how NOT to do a breakup.
Let me demonstrate the point by describing a familiar scene in my office.
So yesterday, I was sitting down with a middle aged woman in her late 40’s. She hasn’t been in a proper relationship for quite a few years now. She’s approaching 50 and doesn’t want to go into her older years alone. But here’s the problem, she doesn’t trust men. “They’re all bastards” she insists.
She didn’t always feel this way of course. This fear of trusting the opposite sex long enough to open her heart and enter into a relationship with someone really started back in her late 30’s during her divorce. It was a traumatic time in her life and has left her permanently scarred.
Her (then) husband went around telling all his friends and family that she was to blame, that she was manipulative and would get under his skin. He stone walled her for several years and tried to make the court battle worse than it needed to be, not because he needed the money, but just to make things difficult for her.
She got through it mind you. And whilst she feels stronger and tougher for it, one thing has never repaired; and that is her heart. Now she is too fearful to let anyone close to her except for her pets.
So what went so terrible during the divorce back in her 30’s?
Well the reality is that life isn’t like the movies. It’s very rare that one partner is a completely innocent victim and the other is entirely at fault. Both partners contribute to the gradual downward spiralling dynamic of a failing relationship. But here’s where she went’ wrong when it comes to knowing how to survive a nasty breakup.
She decided, even if unconsciously, that the best way to deal with the hurt and loss she experienced during that time, was to hide behind a comforting blanket of blame. She had convinced herself (and others) that hating him, blaming him and pointing out every mistake he had made was the best way to cope with the loss of her marriage. That way the tears of pain she might have otherwise cried were covered up by a wall of resentment. That was the only way she knew how to survive a nasty breakup.
And whilst that protected her from the vulnerability of loss at the time, it has left her with a long term side effect. That blanket of blame has wrapped itself around her heart, and has kept her emotionally isolated ever since.
So that was yesterday.
Today, I’m sitting down with another woman, this one in her late 30’s. She's currently in the middle of a divorce right now, and has come along telling me all about how horrible her husband has been and how everything is entirely his fault. I try to warn her of the long term disempowering side effects of taking this victimisation position, but all her friends and family have already reinforced it too her. They meant well of course, but just solidified the belief in her mind, that the only way through this tough time is to hold on tight to the certainty of blame, so that the only thing she is even remotely willing to consider is a sympathetic voice rather than an understanding one. And as adamant as she is that anything other than blame for her partner is not worth considering at this stage, I wonder if she would think any differently, had she been privy to the conversation yesterday. It might make her think differently about how to survive a nasty breakup.
One of the most fascinating things about my job is that I get to see behind the scenes in people’s lives at each chapter of their journey. I know the struggles people go through in their 20’s, and I know the struggles they go through in their 30’s, mostly because they never set themselves up for a good 30’s whilst in their 20’s. I also know the struggles they go through in their 40’s, mostly because they neglected to prepare in their 30’s. And I know the most common problems people uncover in their 50’s because it never occurred to them in their 40’s and so forth.
So if you want to know how to survive a nasty breakup or any other challenging moment in life. Just stop and ask yourself two questions.
The first is, how much of this difficulty could you have prevented had you been a bit wiser 10 years ago? And when you realise how much of your current problem can be attributed to your past-self’s lack of foresight, the next question is this:
When approaching this problem you’re going through at the moment, what’s going to be in the best interests of yourself, 10 and even 20 years from now? When you consider if from the perspective of your future-self, it might change your perspective on how to survive a nasty breakup, or similar challenge that you’re going through right now.The FREE eBook available at the top of this page is full of some really great information to help you start finding better relationships, creating healthier relationships and working through toxic and unhelpful situations. If you are a keen reader then perhaps you would like to download the full version available below.
Let’s first look at how NOT to do a breakup.
Let me demonstrate the point by describing a familiar scene in my office.
So yesterday, I was sitting down with a middle aged woman in her late 40’s. She hasn’t been in a proper relationship for quite a few years now. She’s approaching 50 and doesn’t want to go into her older years alone. But here’s the problem, she doesn’t trust men. “They’re all bastards” she insists.
She didn’t always feel this way of course. This fear of trusting the opposite sex long enough to open her heart and enter into a relationship with someone really started back in her late 30’s during her divorce. It was a traumatic time in her life and has left her permanently scarred.
Her (then) husband went around telling all his friends and family that she was to blame, that she was manipulative and would get under his skin. He stone walled her for several years and tried to make the court battle worse than it needed to be, not because he needed the money, but just to make things difficult for her.
She got through it mind you. And whilst she feels stronger and tougher for it, one thing has never repaired; and that is her heart. Now she is too fearful to let anyone close to her except for her pets.
So what went so terrible during the divorce back in her 30’s?
Well the reality is that life isn’t like the movies. It’s very rare that one partner is a completely innocent victim and the other is entirely at fault. Both partners contribute to the gradual downward spiralling dynamic of a failing relationship. But here’s where she went’ wrong when it comes to knowing how to survive a nasty breakup.
She decided, even if unconsciously, that the best way to deal with the hurt and loss she experienced during that time, was to hide behind a comforting blanket of blame. She had convinced herself (and others) that hating him, blaming him and pointing out every mistake he had made was the best way to cope with the loss of her marriage. That way the tears of pain she might have otherwise cried were covered up by a wall of resentment. That was the only way she knew how to survive a nasty breakup.
And whilst that protected her from the vulnerability of loss at the time, it has left her with a long term side effect. That blanket of blame has wrapped itself around her heart, and has kept her emotionally isolated ever since.
So that was yesterday.
Today, I’m sitting down with another woman, this one in her late 30’s. She's currently in the middle of a divorce right now, and has come along telling me all about how horrible her husband has been and how everything is entirely his fault. I try to warn her of the long term disempowering side effects of taking this victimisation position, but all her friends and family have already reinforced it too her. They meant well of course, but just solidified the belief in her mind, that the only way through this tough time is to hold on tight to the certainty of blame, so that the only thing she is even remotely willing to consider is a sympathetic voice rather than an understanding one. And as adamant as she is that anything other than blame for her partner is not worth considering at this stage, I wonder if she would think any differently, had she been privy to the conversation yesterday. It might make her think differently about how to survive a nasty breakup.
One of the most fascinating things about my job is that I get to see behind the scenes in people’s lives at each chapter of their journey. I know the struggles people go through in their 20’s, and I know the struggles they go through in their 30’s, mostly because they never set themselves up for a good 30’s whilst in their 20’s. I also know the struggles they go through in their 40’s, mostly because they neglected to prepare in their 30’s. And I know the most common problems people uncover in their 50’s because it never occurred to them in their 40’s and so forth.
So if you want to know how to survive a nasty breakup or any other challenging moment in life. Just stop and ask yourself two questions.
The first is, how much of this difficulty could you have prevented had you been a bit wiser 10 years ago? And when you realise how much of your current problem can be attributed to your past-self’s lack of foresight, the next question is this:
When approaching this problem you’re going through at the moment, what’s going to be in the best interests of yourself, 10 and even 20 years from now? When you consider if from the perspective of your future-self, it might change your perspective on how to survive a nasty breakup, or similar challenge that you’re going through right now.The FREE eBook available at the top of this page is full of some really great information to help you start finding better relationships, creating healthier relationships and working through toxic and unhelpful situations. If you are a keen reader then perhaps you would like to download the full version available below.
CLICK HERE TO GET THE FULL EDITION
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